Lovely Ruminations on Valentine's Day

This Valentine's Day I taught a love-themed yoga class, which sparked the following sharing exercise....Ignoring the commercialization of this holiday, this V-day triggered some ruminations about my history with this certain four-letter word. A few years ago, I realized I had a fear of love. Not that I was afraid to fall in love, but that I was incapable of falling in love. This was one of those wrenching epiphanies that stops you like a swift punch in the gut. I'd never been in a long-term relationship, and it didn't look like Mr. Right, or even Mr. Okay for Now, was around the corner. As I reviewed by past relationships, I saw that I'd been closing myself off to love, keeping people, i.e. potential partners, at a comfortable distance, in reality and even in my fantasies. It was largely because of a fear of getting hurt, because I'd seen how "love" could twist into something quite unsatisfying, quite ugly. I'd witnessed this crappy kind of love in my friends' relationships, in my parents' relationship, so I consciously avoided situations that would make me vulnerable. What I didn't realize was that I was effectively building a thick wall, so thick that I seriously doubted I would be able to penetrate it when I was finally "ready" to fall in love. That devastating conclusion had me rolling on the ground, crying so hard that I couldn't breathe, crying tears of anger, frustration, fear, so much fear.

But having acknowledged this, I thought I'd caught it in time. I could start to undo my barriers, and perhaps become a loving person, unafraid to dive into the messiness of love because that was human and a chance to live a fuller life. So I vowed the first opp I got, I'd dive in. Months later I started to date a friend in school. I was so determined to make a go at love I went to the other extreme, and, drum roll, I ignored the signs that this person was not on the same page. Turns out we wanted different things, so it ended shortly after it began. What a burn, right? And, boy, did it hurt! I could have retreated back to my shell, embrace the "safety" of keeping walls up. And I really wanted to do that. But, thankfully, life has a way of giving you a reassuring nudge when you need it. I met my current partner a few months after the failed attempt, and he didn't allow me to retreat. Through him I started to see I could explore this thing called love more deeply and honestly, messiness and all.

In trying to learn from my relationship missteps, I still feel like I'm playing catch up. But I'm grateful to be able to explore with a willing, caring partner. We've all probably heard that each of our relationships--failed or otherwise--can make us wiser. Yes, that's true. But it can go one of two ways, like the choice I had years ago: retreat or push forward. The latter is more immediately challenging than the former. It leaves us more accountable; no matter the consequence, we are choosing to use our experiences to remain open to loving and remain open to being loved. And that is definitely worthy of some celebration. A chocolaty kiss seems a good way to start.